Turn the 'What If' to 'Even If'

I don’t know about you, but I find myself wrestling with anxiety even more these days. From world news to personal situations in my own life, the temptation to grow discouraged is quite real. My mind so easily can slip into a place of worry. I follow the spiral of the what ifs. "What if" this doesn't work out? "What if" things get worse? "What if" this person gets sick? "What if" I can't figure things out?

What if. Our minds can spin into a place of despair as we search for control in the midst of the unknowns. I was convicted by my own need for control when I listened to a sermon on the book of Daniel. The pastor sharing spoke about how we, as believers, need to change our vocabulary. In a world paralyzed by fear from the what if, we need to walk forward in faith. Brothers and sisters, we have to go from what if to even if. 

Even if chaos surrounds us, even if we are faced with uncertainty and presented with opportunity to give into fear—we have a hope and an anchor beyond the veil. Beyond the things we can see right now in this (temporary) world. His name is Jesus.

He was persecuted. He was rejected. He was crucified. He died SO we might live. SO that we might be reconciled with God. SO that we might have hope and a tested truth to cling to. SO we might have freedom from sin—from lust, gossip, idolatry, coveting, immoral behavior, murder, and more. SO we can have peace—peace that isn’t determined by everything going “ideally” in our lives.

So. How do we do this? How do we go from fear of what if to the facing of our even ifs.

1) Cling tightly to scripture and I mean CLING to it. Hold fast to “the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful” (Heb.‬ ‭10:23‬ ). If you are looking to the news or to some person to give you "peace" or assurance, you are constantly going to be filled with anxiety. We have to get into the Word. It is not an option. We have to know the Truth. We have to know Who our God is and who we are in light of that. 

2) Pray. Shut off your phone. Stop scrolling. Talk to the One who sees the nations as a drop in a bucket. Seek His face. Find your rest and strength from Him. Tell Him what you are concerned about and let Him carry it.

3) Stand in truth. “God has not given us a spirit of timidity (some versions say cowardice), but of power and love and discipline (a sound mind)” (2 Tim. ‭1:7‬). Because He lives, we can face tomorrow. And the next day. And the one after that. Stand in belief that you are going to be cared for, that all your needs will be provided. Believe God and take Him at His word.

“What if’s” may happen. They may not. But *even if* they do, God is still on the throne. We know the ending.

We don’t get “fear not” 100% right every single day; but we can choose in moments of panic or chaos to look to Jesus. Look past the “freak out” moments that we are faced with. Look past opinions. Look past fear. Fix your eyes on Him. Scripture says to “seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually” (1 Chron.‬ ‭16:11‬). He has not left you alone.

What 2017 Gave Me: A Lesson in Honesty, Trust, and Letting Go

Happy New Year, folks. It's hard to believe that we have finally landed in the year 2018.  It is also hard to believe that I haven't posted anything since AUGUST. *gulp*

Just to recap.

September: Full of new experiences -- running the Charlottesville Women's 4Miler, adventuring through New York City, continuing to get into the swing of my new crazy life schedule, corn-mazes with friends, camping trips, and throwing Spudnut a crazzzzyyy surprise "sweet 17" party. 

October: I slipped down to my family's cabin with my sisters and a friend for a much-needed weekend retreat on the lake. October also found my sister Rachel moving back home after some unforeseen circumstances, which brought some changes to the house--and a lot of sunshine. <3 Numerous hikes, exploring sunflower fields, football games, and some incredible sunrises filled my Fall!

November: Exploring parts of Canada, adventuring through Boston, local waterfalls, a true southern-style huge family Thanksgiving and also visiting my godchildren! Basically...I was gone a lot. Heh.

(Rudd Family Thanksgiving 2017)

December: Toss in some more hiking, crazy adventures, work, 2018 adventure planning, AND CHRISTMAS. Throw in a ugly sweater New Year's party, a bunch of hours in the car and about 300 hours worth of loudly sung Christmas carols....and that's pretty much a wrap up of the last few months. 

(Charli, Rachel, Aimee and myself)

(Blue Ridge Mountains)

(Gettysburg, PA)

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If you follow me on Instagram (annadumaresq), you may have also picked up that I had some difficult things going on this year. There were a lot of unseen "growing pains" occurring. Some of the growth that occurred brought joy; however, some of the growth brought a lot of painful awareness. Truthfully, as 2018 approached, I realized how much my heart was hurting. The year 2017 has been a roller-coaster of lessons. Lessons in trust. Lessons in humility. Lessons in healthy emotional boundaries. Lessons on letting go. I think I needed a reminder of how desperately this world needs Jesus--christians and non-believers alike. We all need Jesus every single day. This year made me remember why. 

The big thing that the Lord had to tenderly (but painfully) reveal to me in 2017 was how much I trusted others above HIM. I ran to others for help (emotionally and mentally) before I thoroughly exhausted HIS help. Just to remind you...His help can't be exhausted. ;) 

Just like any good caretaker, He started pruning things that were causing me to be weighed down or preventing me from seeing HIM clearly--the wholeness that comes from a relationship with HIM. Not from friendships, not from romantic relationships, not from spouses or MONEY. In Jesus Christ. He pruned some friendships that I held too tightly. He pruned hidden pride. He pruned the over-self-reliance. I have been facing tough questions that I wish with every fiber of my core that I had answers to--questions like..."why won't God heal me" and "why did they hurt me". I've been rendered silent because I can't actually answer these questions--some of these are answered with a quiet choice to believe in the unblemished goodness of God's character. You never can fully comprehend the intimacy of a friendship with Christ until He is your ALL. No backups. No plan "B". Jesus Christ has to become ALL.

Honest moment: As all this was happening, I slowly watched myself emotionally withdrawing from a lot of social circles. Not that it's a horrible thing (especially since I'm an introvert..hehe)...it's just that...I really have a hard time trusting people with my whole self. I know we all tend to have a hard time opening up to people, but I've seen a lot of hypocrisy in my twenty-some years. I've seen Christians shred each other to pieces. People see the goofy, smiling side--but very few see the deep things I'm passionate about. Few people see the things that make me cry. After I found my heart healed this summer from something that happened about 4 years ago, I could feel a joyful willingness to know and be known by those around me. I wanted to share the passion and convictions that burned in the core of my heart. Heading into 2018, I know that some of the things that happened this fall caused me to falter in the freedom I had obtained. I rebuilt some walls that need to be broken down again. I need to gain that ground back from the enemy's camp....and by the grace of God, I'm going to.

Anyways. Long story short. 

I don't know where 2018 found you. Maybe you're sailing through life, maybe you're newly engaged, maybe you just found out you are expecting a child, maybe you just got your dream job. Or...maybe not. Maybe you just lost your baby...or watched the test come up "negative" again for being pregnant. Maybe you watched a future you built up crumble between your fingers. Maybe you're not the same person you were January 2017. Maybe you love who you are today. Maybe you feel like a little boat without an anchor--being tossed around from wave to wave. Maybe you're looking for a reason to live one more day. 

Wherever you are--you aren't alone. I don't know why it takes pain and weakness for us to truly LEARN who God is--and the significance of WHY Jesus had to come to earth. But if I learned anything this year, I have witnessed that it is at our complete darkest that the light of Christ has capacity to shine the brightest. I have relearned that I can't let the devil use circumstances to cloud my perspective of God. I have relearned that when we stand empty-handed before God, He fills us up and gives us the sweetest gift--Himself. I don't have all the answers to these big questions. But He is a big God. He is undaunted by my fear, my growing pains...and my BIG questions. He's ready for YOUR big questions.

So I leave you with a 2018 reminder of who God is--yesterday, today, and forever. 

- God is full of LIGHT. Pure light. 

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." // 1 John 1:5

- God WILL take care of you.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? // Matthew 6:26

-God does not and CANNOT lie. He WILL bring to pass every promise concerning you. 

"God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? // Numbers 23:19

-God is your shield--your defender and shelter. 

"As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him." // Psalm 18:30

-God is full of compassion for you. 

"The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.// Psalm 116:5

-God is just. He is a righteous judge and the wicked will not go unpunished.

"And the heavens proclaim his righteousness, for he is a God of justice." // Psalm 50:6

-God is a present friend...He takes up our everyday burdens and puts them on Himself. 

"Praise be to the lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens" // Psalm 68:19

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Wherever you are today--be it rejoicing or wrestling--choose to rest in the promises of God. Even when you don't understand or can't "see"...choose the childlike faith in a Father who fulfills every promise and is undaunted by our fears. He will never leave you! Trust Him.  

Happy New Year, friend. 

In Him, 

What Love is Not - Getting to the Root

     Christians and non-believers alike are all keenly familiar with 1 Corinthians 13. The LOVE chapter. Usually gracing the middle of wedding ceremonies, the list scrolls: "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres". There are so many lessons in this text! What is this envy which challenges Love? What is this boasting which damages love? What does a protecting love look like? How can we persevere in Love? How do we do it all?!

 

    

     Recently, I have been mulling over the five words "Love is not self seeking". What does it mean to be self seeking? Is it really just selfishness...wanting your own way all the time? As believers (and hopefully mature adults...;)), it is kind of understood that we won't be going "gimme, gimme, gimme" all the time. We should not be hearing of major tantrums when someone takes something we wanted. We shouldn't be irate when someone gets a position we wanted -- whether it is on the Worship team or a position at our job. Where the Spirit of Christ is working, there should be an offering of preference extended to others. We SHOULD be going out of our way to show graciousness, mercy and generosity. 

-

     BUT. What I HAVE been thinking on are the sneaky little self-seeking thoughts that so often tiptoe their way into our minds. The thoughts that unconsciously can take root and grow into a stubborn weed. When someone says something with a "tone". When someone wears something we deem 'inappropriate' to church. When we see someone who seems to be better friends than we are with people. When we compare ourselves, our relationship with Christ, our physical appearance, our ANYTHING with others. When we get our feelings hurt. When someone makes a mistake which we think "foolish". When we see others with SO many more gifting than we see within ourselves. Note that I said WHEN....not IF. We are going to encounter each of these things. Someone WILL offend us (just go get on Facebook..aheh...). Someone WILL have a 'tone'--whether intentional or because of life stress spilling over into our conversation. Someone WILL be more "gifted" than us. We WILL get our feelings hurt. (We're human! and we aren't in Heaven yet!) ;)

     I, personally, am realizing more and more how sensitive *I* am. I am a conflict avoider, which makes me even MORE aware when there are undertones in voices or in situations  (I'm talking beyond "natural introverted quietness"). When this happens, I fold. I curl up in a ball inside and try to hide. I shut down because I feel helpless to fix things or I assume major guilt for problems I am not a part of. I don't want to get my heart hurt and so I put up a protection of silence. I have found that sometimes I withhold my opinion or my thoughts because someone might be hurt by the Truth...or they might reject ME. Jesus, in His INCREDIBLE kindness, has deemed it quite time to weed this out of my heart. PRAISE THE LORD! I never realized what it fully looks like until we recently had a series of several conflicts. I felt like my eyes were opened up to the way that I respond--which may seem harmless to the outside, but it is actually quite painful to those around me. I was putting myself first by intentionally shutting others out. "I won't let you hurt me" was the foundation I laid, brick by brick. Word by poorly timed word. I was seeking myself first.

-

     As the Lord has been healing my heart of some past wounds, I feel like He is re-teaching me the foundations of Love. Jesus Himself is LOVE---complete surrender to the Fathers will, ultimate giving of His entire life, and choosing to continue caring for us even while we were (and ARE) so unable to repay our debt. His love...His LIFE never was self-seeking. He never shut down when others hurt Him. He knew the Father. He knew where He stood in the Father's affections. He knew His Father's heart. He knew the Scripture. He poured out. He prayed. He walked in the Spirit. He healed, He encouraged, He challenged, and He never STOPPED. 

   So....I've been working on two new lists. I'm calling them "Lists of the Heart". Lists that we, especially as proclaiming Christians, need to fully grasp. If we want the World to actually SEE Jesus, WE have to get out of the way. We have to stop tearing one another down. WE have to make a decision--we have to stand against this. Self-centeredness has no place in the body of Christ. 

"Love is Not"

-Love is not defensive. 

-Love is not suspicious. 

-Love does not assume. 

-Love does not intentionally withhold affection. 

-Love does not withhold Truth. 

-Love does not accept a "defeated mindset" because it is not focused on winning. 

-Love is not self-centered. 

-Love does not build walls. 

-Love does not shut out or down.

-Love does not show partiality. 

-Love does not doubt. 

-Love does not rejoice in other's failures...or missed opportunities. 

-Love does not challenge harshly. 

-Love does not mock. 

-Love does not "lord" over another person. 

-Love is not vindictive (revengeful). 

-Love does not lash out in anger.

-Love doesn't harm. 

-Love does not gossip (speaking ill of another's character, even if "it's true")

"Love IS"

-Love is a defender -- a defender against the lies of the Enemy.

-Love seeks to address conflict without tearing another down.

-Love encourages -- when someone is struggling, Love comes alongside and says "lean on me".

-Love THINKS WELL of others -- even if evidence may suggest otherwise, Love CHOOSES to believe well

-Love GIVES affection without counting the cost. 

-Love generously shares the Truth, in kindness.

-Love shares the burden. 

-Love is Christ-conscious, eyes fixed upward instead of on self. 

-Love tears down walls and opens the door to all who would come in. 

-Love chooses to accept, unbiased. 

-Love rejoices in other's success!

-Love builds up others -- in courage, peace, hope and FAITH. 

-Love serves. 

-Love CHOOSES to forgive...not because they FEEL like it.

-Love pours out. 

-Love does not keep tally on favors. 

-Love speaks well of others. 

     What I want, what I REALLY want, is to fully grasp this. I want all of us to grasp this. What would it look like if we weren't satisfied with addressing only the outward signs of selfishness? What if we actually humbled ourselves enough to stare that weed in the face, and then have the Lord begin to remove it? I want to live out Corinthians. I want to shine the love of Christ--by the power of the Holy Spirit. And the thing is, we CAN'T do any of the above without the help of the Spirit. There is no physical way we can choose selflessness when selfishness comes naturally! But the most amazing thing is that "the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5). God has shown us incredible, selfless Love. In turn, He has given us the Holy Spirit, not only that we might walk in righteousness and LOVE, but so that we might also show HIS love to others. We love because He loved us first (1 John 4:19). It is not just a check list. "oops. I need to work on my patience today". The fruit of the Spirit--or the "evidence" of the Spirit at work--is something that comes as we grow in Christ...as we put to death selfishness and self-centeredness. The Spirit at work within us is shown as we are earnestly pursuing Christ, listening to His voice, reading His Word, and seeking to love others as Christ does. We can't conjure up (and maintain) a life like Corinthians on our own strength. But that's the beauty of Christ. He knows that. :) It is the reason Christ died for us--because we can't save ourselves and we can't make ourselves perfect. But we can believe Him at His word, putting our trust, our hope, our life, and our salvation in the hands of Christ. 

So, friends, pursue Christ. Walk by the Spirit. Choose love--real, selfless love. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it seems like that person is unable to love you. And on the days where you stumble, look to Christ. Because "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" ( Phil. 1:6). By the power of His Spirit and for His glory!

In Christ, 

All Things New

I have started about 15 blog posts since December (or whenever it was that I last sat down and wrote something). As a friend reminded me, it's been a while since I put something up in my own corner of the world. Now here we are having landed in April. New seasons of life, new struggles, new joys, new opprotunites to grow. I've been doing what I do best--keeping busy! Working, taking a few classes at TFC, baking, Bible Studies, crying out to the Lord for healing in some health issues, adventures, making trips down to Southern Virginia to keep up with my Grandma, and continuing to pray for the Lord's direction in my life. Like I said....typical Dumaresq schedule. ;)

I'll share a few highlights, considering it has been a while since you have heard from me:

 March 4 Life in Washington D.C. with our Church Family (CrossLife Community Church)

Afternoon Adventures

Holding Babies in parking lots (Abbie Brocke) and quick visits with Rachel <3

Farmer's Markets and new adventures!

Spring snuck up on me...not that I'm complaining... <3

 Annnnnnd...somehow...my birthday (and my mom's) also snuck up on me...*hello 24*!

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As I have mentioned, I've been pretty quiet since December. Part of that reason is that I get frustrated with myself because I so want something encouraging and hopeful to share. I want to shine my own little "light" with those who happen to read my posts. However, another part to the quietness is that the Lord told me in January that it is time for something new. Something deeper. Something needed. Something that I would need to be still and quiet for. The Lord told me that it's time to let Him touch some places in my heart which I had kept tightly bound up because I didn't know what to do with them. I am an internal processor. I stuff things down inside like a tissue box....and...apparently...a heart should only stuff so much!  I don't know exactly how much I'll share here, but I will say that a person will never realize what they carry within the little corners of their heart until the Light of Christ is shown fully in those places. I realized that I have been carrying some burdens which are not mine to bear, ignoring hurts instead of forgiving (which is an interesting thing to realize!), and trying to make everything better for those around me. But, Jesus asked me to sit still and let Him work. It is time to let HIM work instead of my feeble attempts to "always make everything better". And so....I am sitting still. :) 

Also, if you wouldn't mind praying for me, I would really appreciate it. I have had a lot of health issues over the last 10 years and I'm frequently in a lot of abdominal pain. The last month or so, it seems that I have developed stomach ulcers which...are really really painful (this is an educated guess from my doctor without any internal scope tests being done). I sometimes go to bed at night doubled up in pain and eating has been difficult. Anyways. I feel like the Lord has been also prompting me to be more vocal about what I'm struggling with because we are the Body of Christ....and I could use wisdom and prayer. :)

I have a few things on my heart which I'll be posting soon, but I just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm still alive! ;) Until then, I'll leave you with this encouraging verse from Isaiah. 

"The LORD will guide you always; 

He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.

 You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." 

|  Isaiah 58:11 |

 May the Lord bless you, and I'll talk to you again soon!

In the arms of Jesus, 

Fall into Christmas

I love this time of year. That crisp morning air, newly settled frosts--that hint of Christmas just around the corner. Perfect mornings for coffee. ;)

What a crazy two months it has been. Birthdays, the Election, baking for a Vow renewal, and just everyday LIFE. My dad is on his last stretch of his "busy season". He works with Humana insurance, and October-December is the busiest time of the year for him, as people are "aging" into different plans. He makes a majority of his yearly income in two and a half months...needless to say, it can get a bit stressful for him. ;) So this busy season often becomes a "press in" season for our family. Pressing forward even when things can get hectic, and pressing on in our pursuit of Christ.

Some highlights from the last two months:

Some dear friends of our decided to renew their vows, recommitting to honor and serve one another. 

It was a GORGEOUS, simple ceremony...and I'm pretty sure every single person cried. ;)

I have a running joke with the "Groom" that it's not an event until my cheesecake makes an appearance. Thus, I got to make Carrot Cake Cupcakes (Brides Choice) and the "Grooms Choice" was "Anything that Anna makes" (aka Cheesecakes)

A VERY sweet evening, one highlight being that I got to spend a little time with my Cousin Taylor. Even though we live in the same state, we often don't get to cross paths because of crazy schedules.

I (along with my little sister and a few friends) got to try our first "race". 

 I LOVED it....and you may find me doing it again. ;)

We also chased some sunsets while house-sitting. 

No matter the states I travel to, Virginia will always have my heart.

Thanksgiving was also pretty exciting for our family. We planned to go out of town the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, knowing that Rachel would be "somewhere around the country" and not able to come home. However, Tuesday (while I was at work), I got a call saying "Hey, can you come get me tonight in Staunton?" So, I met Rachel and the Sky Family at 1:00 a.m. in a Walmart parking lot to have Rachel home for Thanksgiving! Needless to say, it was a crazy, sweet, food-filled time. We were also blessed to be able to share one last trip to the cabin with a dear friend who has (now) moved back to Kansas. 

And NOW we are headed into Christmas! Is it just me, or has this year FLOWN?! I'm still sitting here wondering how we got a Tree up so quickly. But on that note, as we head into this Christmas season, I've been praying that the Lord would grant to me a quiet, contemplative spirit. I really want to grasp the incredible gift we have been given--how Someone SO Holy and worthy of continual worship would humble Himself, entrusting Himself to a young "insignificant" couple. We have SO many reasons to be Thankful for our blessings that God has given us every day, but I want to really understand (again) the Glory of the ULTIMATE gift coming to Earth. A gift which we do not deserve. Jesus, the Son of God, born into flesh. A quiet, humble birth. No self-proclamation. No "pomp and circumstance". Just the sweetness of the Holy Spirit and the glorious, perfect ways of a God who cares for us. All so that WE might be free from Sin, from bondage, from addiction--with the ability to walk in fullness of Joy with the expectation of Life with Christ in Eternity. Hallelujah!

Just out of curiosity, what are some ways that you prepare for this Advent & Christmas season? Do you do a Bible study? Do you do Advent readings with your family?

Resting in the Joy of Christ, 

In Case You Forget

In case you need a reminder--a little seed of encouragement: don't give up. Don't hang your head in despair. Do not be afraid of what the future holds (even with the upcoming elections..aheh...). Don't be timid about the unknowns of tomorrow.

You are NOT alone. You have not been left in this world to fend for yourself. You are upheld, little one, in the arms of Christ--the sweetest, safest place to ever seek refuge. He is your Shepherd (Ps. 23), your Deliverer (Ps. 18:2), a husband to the widow (Is. 54:4), and a tower of Refuge. He is your safe place.

NO matter tomorrow, no matter next week, next month or next year: He will hold you fast (Isaiah 41:13). Jesus Christ will carry you through. He will carry you through this trial, this heartbreak, this illness, this death in the family, this period in History--this very day. In Him is no deceit, no lies, no shadow of turning (James 1:17). HE is your beacon of Light amidst darkness. He is your calm within the chaos. He is your peace in the middle of turmoil. CHOOSE to set your Faith within the hands that were stretched out upon a cross for you. Even when you did not know Him...He knew of you. He knows you. He knows your situation. He knows your needs. He knows the cry of your heart. What He sets before you, He will bring you through. He will bring you through your Red Sea--however seemingly impossible.

In case you forget, amidst your topsy turvey life: Jesus wins. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Let your heart find HOPE in His name. He who promises is Faithful (Hebrews 10:23). He will not fail, for He never has.

In Him,