With A Thrill Of Hope

Although my posting infrequency would appear otherwise, Anna is still alive! Crazy, I know.

Funny how life drifts slowly by--whether we are rowing on top of or swimming "in the midst of" the day to day tasks. For the Dumaresq household, the Summer months held week of excitement. After watching Aimee graduate in May, my weeks were full of weddings, house sitting, traveling and seeing my "godchildren" Levi & Bayley Anna.

Excitement, but also--for some reason--Summer is one of the most difficult seasons for me. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but it just has proven to be a challenging time of year. It is as if I just feel the heat--physical summer heat, but also that spiritual furnace of refinement--quite keenly. I believe it also ties in with the humorous way we always tell God "Okay, I finished that lesson. A+. NEXT". Which, of course, He kind of chuckles to Himself (in His sweet-Father way) and says "Oh dear Child, you have just begun."

That being said, I am learning to approach Summer as one going into a hand-to-hand combat training arena. One of those "training areas" He has been working on is control. Well, shall I say my need for control. I am an observer. A thinker. I can be quite loud (hey, I'm a Dumaresq, okay?!), but I really like to be quiet. To watch. To gather information. All inside my own little controlled world. I freak out when the outcome to a situation is REALLY different than my (numerous) possible outcomes.

So, with all that in mind, life felt the complete opposite of everything listed above. Everything felt OUT of control. 

A small example was the (sudden) loss of a dearly respected gentlemen. I have often traveled with his wife as her mobile "administrative assistant". Watching those last days unfold was one of the most painful things my heart has walked through. It was quite sudden, for me at least, because I only had known that the cancer was back. I had no idea how quickly that horrid disease would spread.

 Then one night, I was listening to a few new songs I had acquired, when "It Is Not Death To Die" by Sovereign Grace began to play. I burst into tears. I can't explain it, but the Holy Spirit quietly told me that this beloved gentleman would pass within the week. 

The next morning, I received a text from my friend, telling me her husband was on the brink of Eternity. She asked me to prepare for coming to Tennessee when her husband passed. 

But I already knew.

As I packed my bags, I had to ask God some really hard questions. I felt Spiritually barren (not producing Spiritual Fruit), I had several friends struggling because of dear relatives going through cancer (and I was unsure of how to comfort), I had relationships that I was unsure of how to handle, I was struggling with that wretched thief "comparison", I felt a deep loneliness as I watched friends enter into joyful new seasons--and NOW I had to go empty myself again as a family I loved grieved the loss of a true gentleman.

IT WAS HARD. Really really hard. 

"God, I don't understand this. At ALL. Where are you? How do I do this?"

~

In every season, we need Jesus.  But, in this summer where I felt like my feet were burning with the heat of the refinement furnace, I needed Jesus in a way I have not experienced thus far in my 22 years. It was like He allowed my heart to be stripped of the things that I could possibly control--including being able to depend on myself--and sat quietly beside me. Waiting for me to let Him open up my white knuckled grasp and take my confidence in myself out of my little hands. It really hurt. I felt like He was asking me to give up something, even when I couldn't see what He was giving me in return. It felt unfair. I felt selfish, and I hated the selfishness that reared it's ugly head in my heart. 

Beautiful, cool, sweet Fall. A balm to the thirsty soul is the cool, a reminder of what it feels like to dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. 

A week or so into the change of season, I paused briefly to survey the changes brought by summer. I turned to see what Jesus had been doing while I was walking quietly behind Him. I turned...and I saw HIM. Jesus WAS there. Walking beside me in my furnace.

Quiet. Still. But oh, SO present.

And all those times when I felt like He was withholding--He drained those holding places in order to REPLACE them with HIS choice of refreshment. HIS Living Water.

He replaced my "good" with His "best". He replaced it with HIMSELF.

I had no one to really share my grief in having a gentleman I so respected pass away, so JESUS shared my grief. My sweet Jesus under-girded me with strength as I cooked, cleaned and prayed to be a sweet presence of peace as I remained the week following the funeral to help the family. 

On the days where I felt like a tiny floating cloud--of no consequence and no destination in mind--He became my anchor. He brought me sermon after sermon to listen to while at work, watering my spirit with TRUTH. He sent me letters via His sweet daughters. He sent me coffee dates and much needed texts at just the right time. He gave me hugs. He gave me strength. (P.s. You need to look up Eric Ludy and listen to some of his sermons. Just saying.)

On the days of loneliness, He gave me the balm of companionship in unlikely friends. He opened doors for fellowship with other believers--working in peace and unity, despite denominations (can I just say that if you live in the C'ville area and want to know what's going on in the Mission field--you really need to visit Advancing Native Missions "Community Bible Study" on Thursday Mornings?!). His spirit has NOT forsaken His people. His Spirit has not forsake ME. Nor has it forsaken YOU. In every single day--every single season--He gives us Himself.

~

Then it was as if something "clicked". It was as if the desire for control I grappled with--the "peace" I tried to conjure up for myself as I "clenched" onto my will--vanished as a mist. As soon as it did, one of the most beautiful things happened. JOY awakened. Like a long lost friend, TRUE Joy tapped me on the shoulder. Joy--that is not affected nor swayed by emotions or outcomes--was back. I haven't felt THAT Joy in a very long time. 

I fight tears as I type these words. Because life is hard. It's HARD. There are so many things we CAN'T control. We can't control other people--their reactions, their perception on situations, their feelings--just like we can't control the path of a hurricane. We can't control death. We can't control sickness. We have limited "control" of situations.

But. That's okay. We don't need to. 

For we are called "Friend" by the One who calms stormy seas with a word, who speaks peace to the inner rooms of our hearts, the One who "carries [us] close to His heart". He places His hand on our little head, lifting our gaze towards His dear face! He is a Mighty, Victorious Warrior--PURE in heart, free from Manipulation or Self-pity. He is not just a "good person"...He is GOOD.

Jesus is more than enough.

He isn't dead. He isn't deaf. He is NOT apathetic. His reasons for allowing, removing, or withholding something aren't out of a heart of which delights in affliction. On the contrary, "every single thing that God does comes from a heart full of love and concern" (Eric Ludy).  His answers to our prayer--be it yes or no--is FULL of Love. An unconditional, sacrificial Love. If you feel like He has been quiet, remember that His quietness is an opportunity for YOU to quiet yourself. Listen. Draw close.

~

So now, as the coolness of Fall gives way into Winter, let us run forth with Joy! Enter Advent with a quiet Thanksgiving, a confident Trust. As we remember His birth, remember that He was born FOR our Salvation--our freedom from Sin and the ability to walk in Righteousness. He came so that we might be set free from burdens. He was made humble so that He might teach us Humility and TRUST in His Father. He was born so that we might have HOPE. He was born pure so that we might become pure. We CAN'T make ourselves pure, no matter how much "good" we do. The only Way, the only Truth and the only Light (in a world of increasing darkness) has come! He is Jesus. He is big enough. He is strong enough to carry our burdens. He is Emmanuel. He is God with us! Hallelujah!


With a "Thrill of Hope",