Beautiful. Simply Beautiful.

I clicked open an article this week while I was looking for something in particular, and was faced with a picture of a Mom and daughter. The picture was large, the daughter being clearly the focal point. Immediately, my first thought was "Wow, she is so pretty. I wish I could look like that." She had big, brown eyes, dark wavy hair and a confident gaze. I began finding all these features in her that I deemed to be admirable, but at the same time, reminding myself that I fell short in these areas.

As soon as I had that thought, I stopped. "Now why did I just think that? Why do I always do that?"

This week, I have really been struggling with my physical appearances. Yes, it can just be brushed aside with "you're just a girl"-type-of-thing, yet it's true. I don't know of a single girl that wouldn't change at least one thing about themselves--and it's usually their weight. Even if they are tiny.

I went through a really rough time in my life where I was extremely limited in what I was able to eat (health reasons--I have problem eating any oils/butter/creamy things), but it spilled over into being fear. Fear of pain. Fear of food. It led to losing weight, which felt great. I immediately started getting compliments on how great I looked. It felt great, but also added another fear: I wanted to be attractive to other people. There are members in my extended family who are brutally honest about weight and if you're not small, you have a problem. I got scared to eat because I didn't want to lose what I had achieved. I wasn't just "the funny one" anymore. I was pretty.

Over the last 2 years (but this last one especially), God has been breaking down my fears but also humbling me in the area of physical appearances. He's teaching me that I, too, am clay--being molded into a Child of God, but a Vessel to be filled. I want to look like the design my Maker has drawn out. I actually started trying to eat normal things. And some things actually didn't hurt my stomach. Because I was actually eating normal food, I did gain a little bit back...which, I'm not going to lie, has been one of the hardest, most humbling things I've ever experienced in my entire life. It's a constant battle of "Lord, my body is sick so I want to eat things in faith that it won't hurt" and the devil breathing down my neck "food just makes you ugly. If you don't eat, you will be beautiful and everyone will love you...just like they love [insert name here]". Pretty nasty, huh? Sometimes I cry. But then I remember something that I learned when I was at my smallest weight: I was miserable. Every single time I got on the scale, I would catch my breath. Whether I gained or lost weight, that would be my outlook for the day. If I was heavier, then I would go into "punishment" mode...I would refuse myself more food because I was fat. And, I was miserable. I loved the attention..but I hated how little Joy I had. I missed Jesus..because I unknowingly put myself on the throne of my heart.

But I wanted to be pretty.

A little over a year ago I realized something. If I really stopped to think, who do I think is beautiful?.....not just pretty. Beautiful. I found something interesting: these people...these people are often what the world would reject as pretty. Friend, what is beauty?? What do you REALLY think beauty is?

To me...beauty is Jesus. A woman who loves Jesus to her hearts core, whose eyes are filled with compassion and love, whose arms are a warm place of comfort, whose knees are worn because she is on them praying. This is beauty to me. A woman who seeks to speak with gentleness and has wisdom pour forth from a thoughtful heart. She puts others ahead of herself--serving and going "one step further down" in humility so that another might receive joy. One who tucks her arm in the arm of her Gentle Shepherd, and who has His hand resting tenderly on her head.

Not just because she is a single digit pant size.

Love,